Always on the clock? Setting work boundaries without guilt
It’s 2:14 AM, and Amy is lying awake in bed, exhausted, yet wired. She woke up for the second time after falling asleep an hour ago, not setting work boundaries yet again. After forcing herself to go to bed close to midnight since checking messages from her team, Amy’s mind won’t stop racing.
“Did I end up sending my boss the report yesterday? I hope I didn’t forget to respond to that client’s email. What if I’m not ready for that presentation tomorrow? Did my team member ever send me her piece of the project? I should just check my email real quick. I don’t feel super ready for that presentation tomorrow - I should go through my slide deck again.”
She grabs her phone off the nightstand and finds 23 unread messages since midnight. Then she opens her email and finds 48 unread emails. Her chest tightens. She finally caught up on emails this afternoon. And, what was so urgent that she then got so many messages since midnight? She tells herself that she’ll just look through her emails and messages before she closes out. Thirty minutes later, she finds herself sucked into answering them. Each of these leads to another task, which she should have done earlier. She manages to shut down her phone before being tempted to rehearse her presentation just one more time. It’s already 2:55 AM.
“If I don’t respond right away, they’ll think I’m not on top of it.”
“What if I lose credibility?”
“I want to be successful and have to go the extra mile so I can prove that I was worth hiring.”
By the time she puts down her phone, it’s 3:02 AM and she has to get up by 6:45 AM to make it to work on time. Her heart is pounding and her mind is still racing. Falling asleep feels impossible, now that she’s wide awake. She knows she’ll wake up exhausted and feeling anxious about her presentation.
This is just another night in the cycle of overworking, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and never truly feeling done. It’s a recipe for burnout.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Why You Feel Trapped in the Cycle of Overwork
If you relate to Amy’s story, you are most likely a high-achieving, successful professional who has a dirty little secret. You’ve been paying a premium for how you’ve been approaching work.
The pressure to always be available, to say yes - even at the expense of your wellbeing, and to burn the candle at both ends can stem from any or all of the following:
Perfectionism and the fear of letting people down
Fear of saying no
Anxiety about not doing enough and the fear of losing your job
Countering these issues requires a mindset shift and a willingness to stop overworking once and for all.
For example, if you fear letting others down, first remember that thoughts are just thoughts; they are not facts. Notice when you feel a sense of urgency in response to your thought (such as, “I have to respond right now, or else …”). Then, create mental distance by adding in the phrase “I’m having the thought that” to create a new thought: “I’m having the thought that I have to respond right now, or else …”
If you have a hard time saying no because you’re afraid of disappointing others, remember that the long-term cost to constantly saying yes to things (even though you really want to say no) will lead to resentment and burnout. To prevent going down this path again, sit in temporary discomfort without fixing the issue. Practice giving yourself space to think through whether you actually do have the capacity to take on more work instead of automatically saying yes. Try saying, “Let me get back to you tomorrow.” If you’re realizing that you don’t have the bandwidth to take on more work (or anticipate that you won’t), practice sitting in the discomfort of saying no with a response that includes these components:
Acknowledge the opportunity presented to you
Communicate your current priority and bandwidth with honesty
Decline, using direct and assertive communication
Offer an alternative (e.g., offload current project to someone else, identify another person who may have the capacity to take on the opportunity, check back in a certain time period)
A sample script of what you could say to decline the opportunity confidently and professionally could be: “I appreciate this opportunity, but I’m currently spearheading three projects that require my attention. I don’t have the capacity to take on this new project right now. I’m happy to revisit it once two of these projects are finalized during the third quarter. If it’s urgent, perhaps you can ask [name of colleague/team who may have more capacity] to take the lead.”
If your cycle of overwork stems from a fear of not doing enough and/or potentially getting fired because of it, remind yourself that doing this doesn’t always lead to better results; it will lead to exhaustion and burnout. The quality of your work trumps how much you work, but it doesn’t mean that you have to burn your candle at both ends or sacrifice your wellbeing or personal life. Challenge yourself to take on one task at 80% instead of 100% effort and then take a break and see what happens. Chances are that you don’t get in trouble or get criticized.
Below are four steps you can take to extricate yourself from feeling the need to work 24/7.
Step 1: Define what “success” means to you.
To get started, ask yourself these questions:
What does it look like for someone to be successful? What about for you?
What are your core values?
What kind of person do you want to be as someone who is successful?
How do you want to treat yourself and others as a successful individual?
What matters most to you?
You may find yourself constantly working through lunch (instead of socializing with work friends), working late (instead of making dinner plans with your partner or friends), or taking on another project (instead of saying no). Be honest with whether your current behaviors reflect the kind of person you are, how well you would want to treat yourself and others, and what matters most to you. Once you’ve answered these questions for yourself, connect your definition of success with your core values. Use your values to guide your decision making. For example, if your core values include courage, kindness, skillfulness, and trust, reflect on whether they’re in line with your current behaviors. Challenge yourself to take one small step to act based on your core values, even if they seem to look different from what your boss or colleagues prioritize.
Step 2: Reflect on what’s been keeping you stuck and flip your script.
To take one small step to align with your core values requires that you understand what’s keeping you stuck and that you flip your script. For example, if you have been skipping or cancelling plans to spend time with people you care about, if you haven’t been making time to do things you love, or if you don’t know what you enjoy doing anymore, it might be related to avoidance of a difficult situation in your life that requires your attention, a belief about yourself, or a need to communicate your needs assertively.
Challenge yourself to view your overwork and refusal to take more breaks in a different way. What has working so much cost you? How might spending time outside of work enhance your wellbeing and allow you to be more productive? Afterall, you cannot “pour from an empty cup” and you are not a robot who can do unlimited amounts of work. Instead of interpreting working less as laziness or a lack of commitment/strong work ethic, practice viewing it as a necessary break to recharge so that you can be more productive, effective, and valuable at your job. View it as setting work boundaries to prevent burnout.
Step 3: Setting work boundaries without feeling like a jerk or risking your reputation.
Practice creating boundaries at work, such as when and how long you work, even if you’re not quite ready or on board…yet. The practice of doing something repeatedly will help you make that brain-body connection over time. In this situation, continually keeping your promise to make time to do things outside of work will help you connect boundary setting at work with being an effective, productive, and high-achieving professional - not to mention help you develop self-trust and confidence in yourself.
Therefore, challenge yourself to identify at least one thing you would like to make time for outside of work, and take a small step in that direction. If you want to prioritize forming or deepening a work friendship, consider inviting a colleague out to lunch and avoid scheduling a call or doing work during that time.
To make that happen, it will be helpful to set a consistent work schedule and time away from work during off hours. Also, clearly set expectations around work and communication with your colleagues and clients. Most importantly, carry it out consistently to avoid confusion. Consider setting an auto-reply during your off-hours, such as during lunch and when work officially ends. Setting this work boundary might sound like: “My business hours are on Mondays through Fridays, from 8:00 AM to 12:00 PM and from 1:00 PM to 5:00 PM. If you’re contacting me outside of these hours, I will return your message within one business day. If it’s an urgent matter, please contact [name of manager, supervisor, etc.].”
If your boss expects you to be available 24/7, it’s time to set personal boundaries at work. Have a conversation that communicates your values and, at the same time, honors the work quality and that you and your boss both strive for. For example, you might include the following points in your conversation: “I want to be as effective as possible, but I notice that I have a hard time focussing and producing quality work when I work late and work on weekends. I’ve also been getting sick more often, and that has also been affecting my productivity. I’d like to set clearer priorities and expectations for working after hours.”
Step 4: Train your brain to log off without guilt or anxiety.
To get to a point where you work within business hours only without feeling like you should be working more, you will need to do three things.
Create a “clock-out ritual” to make an intentional shift from work to personal time. Doing this will help the high-achiever in you to mentally shift from work to personal time. Some ideas include writing tomorrow’s to-do list to prevent your mind from fixating or spiraling, mindfully checking in with yourself on what went well and what could improve, changing out of your work clothes, doing a five minute deep breathing or stretching exercise, and going for a walk.
Learn to filter out what people consider to be urgent versus what you actually need to prioritize. Reflect on whether the request is actually pressing, or if the issue is that you aren’t comfortable not responding immediately. If it’s not an emergency or a top priority, sit in the discomfort of waiting to respond. Remember, not everything requires a speedy reply.
Sit in the discomfort of not being “on.” To practice setting boundaries at work, make space for the anxiety to show up. How do you do that? The next time you feel the urge to check and respond to messages, pause for 2 minutes and notice the anxiety. Let it come and go, as emotions do. If you find yourself going down the rabbit hole, disrupt it by acknowledging the anxiety and the difficult thoughts you are having, connecting with what is going on in your physical body (such as pushing your feet into the ground or stretching your arms), and re-engaging with your environment.
Conclusion and next steps
Success isn’t about being available 24/7. It’s about managing your energy to work sustainably so that you can do your best work. It’s about recognizing that you need to take breaks to do your best work and giving yourself permission to do that. It’s also about assertively communicating and setting your work boundaries with yourself and with others to make it happen. It’s about creating the work-life balance that YOU want, not what your boss wants or what you should want. It’s not about overextending yourself - sacrificing your wellbeing, time, and energy - in service of someone else’s needs and wants. Remember, setting work boundaries is about effectiveness and greater productivity, not about laziness or less commitment.
So, choose one small boundary to set today and challenge yourself to do it, even if you don’t feel ready…yet. Experiment with not checking emails after 7:00 PM or delaying a response. If you need individualized support to set work boundaries, I can help. I provide tailored treatment for anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism within the workplace at Chen Thrive Psychological Services. Request a free consultation to learn more!
