The art of leaving early: How to deal with social anxiety
Have you ever said “no” or delayed a response to an invite because the thought of needing to leave early made you feel uncomfortable? Or, maybe you initially said “yes” but you’re now realizing that you either have another event that you’re also going to a little later, or that you have a last-minute work thing the following morning. Perhaps you tell yourself that you might make a scene, made worse because you don’t know how to deal with social anxiety when you feel like people are judging you when you leave early. Or, maybe you’d prefer to stay briefly because you need to get up early for work the next morning, but it feels awkward to leave early because you don’t want to have to explain yourself or feel like you might get judgmental stares when you leave earlier than others.
Understanding the Anxiety of Leaving Events Early
When you experience anxiety about leaving events early, you probably sense that a spotlight is placed on you for exiting prematurely and perhaps believe that other people at these gatherings will scrutinize you for doing so. This tendency to overestimate how much other people notice about us and amplify our flaws or mistakes is known as the “spotlight effect.” If you are someone who experiences social anxiety at parties, the spotlight effect can make you feel like the social stakes are that much higher because you perceive people judging you for every action you take or second guess yourself, such as if you need to leave early.
The spotlight effect can also appear together with several unhelpful thinking patterns, such as catastrophizing (seeing the worst possible outcomes for a situation), fortune telling (expecting a situation to turn out badly with little or no evidence), and “should” statements (believing that things should be a certain way). It is easy for these unhelpful thinking patterns to spiral in your mind, so it will be important to have a plan in place for how to manage social anxiety by arming yourself with strategies to handle them so you can give yourself permission to leave early when you must.
The Psychology of Guilt and “Social Contract” At Gatherings
You may feel like you’re doing something wrong by leaving a party early. You may also fear scrutiny or judgement from other people, experience anxiety for explaining yourself, and feel the need to figure out how to leave gracefully without drawing attention, particularly when you experience social anxiety at parties and other events. Possible self-critical thoughts include:
“I’m going to look so awkward leaving early. I’m probably never going to get invited to another party again.”
“Great, everyone is whispering about how [e.g., rude, selfish] I am for leaving early. Everyone thinks I’m a bad friend for not staying the entire time.”
“I already suck at being social, so leaving early is going to make me seem even less social.”
Regardless of what you’re experiencing, remind yourself why you decided to go to the party and why you decided to make an early exit. Figure out what’s behind the self-judgement and emotions that come up for wanting to leave early. Perhaps it’s a belief, a rule, and/or an expectation that’s holding you hostage.
While it’s true that there are expectations for people to stay for a good length of time for more formal events like concerts and small dinner parties, it does not mean that you must abide by these expectations 100% of the time. It also certainly does not mean that people will scrutinize or judge you for leaving early. Your energy level, whether you have something to attend to the following morning, and a whole bunch of other life stuff could help you determine whether to leave that party or event early.
How to Deal with Social Anxiety Effectively
If you decide that you do need to leave a party or social gathering early, it is helpful to mentally prepare for it. Instead of letting your thoughts, beliefs, and expectations take over, I encourage you to have a general plan in place for how to deal with social anxiety effectively:
Do your best to sit in the discomfort of these thoughts and feelings. Accept it for what it is instead of trying to avoid or fight it.
Remind yourself that you are not your thoughts and feelings, and ground yourself in the here and now. Remember that you do not have to listen and abide by your thoughts.
Talk to yourself as if you are talking to your best friend or a five-year-old version of yourself who’s looking for support.
Understand what is driving you to leave early.
Ask yourself what evidence you have for catastrophic situations to occur as a result of you leaving early. How realistic are they?
Remind yourself of what matters most to you, acting with integrity and compassion toward yourself and others. In other words, let your values guide what you decide to do. Potential questions to ask yourself include:
Does attending the party, even if more briefly than I’d prefer, allow me to be the kind of person I strive to be? Does doing this honor my needs and wellbeing? Is doing this letting me show up for my friends/family?
What’s most important at this moment?
Own your decision to leave early, and take the steps to do just that, according to the kind of person you strive to be. You can leave early, even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise. Remind yourself that you are coping with social anxiety when you bravely do the thing that you fear - leaving early.
Practical Exit Strategies
To make leaving early a reality, these suggestions can be helpful:
Thank the host for inviting you and set expectations beforehand about needing to leave early.
To feel more confident during the process of exiting early, practice:
Providing a polite, yet firm reason for not being to stay the entire time.
Responding to potential follow-up questions.
During the event, find a natural pause in conversation or a convenient time to let the host/hostess and others you interacted with to let them know that you need to leave early.
Provide a polite, yet firm reason for not being able to stay for the entire time.
Say goodbye and thank the host or hostess for organizing the party/social event. Keep this warm farewell brief.
Next Steps
It can feel like a giant leap when you imagine yourself leaving a party or event early. Remember that preparation and baby steps go a long way. However, sometimes just thinking about getting yourself from point A to point B feels utterly overwhelming, and it may feel more beneficial to get individualized support to help you manage social anxiety effectively. I provide tailored treatment for social anxiety at Chen Thrive Psychological Services. Reach out to learn more!
