How to avoid burnout as an anxious people pleaser
Growing up, you probably heard the saying, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” And, you might also be wondering what this proverb has to do with how to avoid burnout.
If you’ve ever felt completely exhausted by trying to make everyone around you happy and meeting all of their needs while overlooking your own, you’re not alone. Many people, especially those who frequently want to please others, can end up feeling drained and anxious, with nothing left to give. For an anxious people pleaser, who constantly tries to meet everyone’s needs, burnout can escalate quickly. One strategy that you might consider using to reduce burnout is by developing greater self-complexity.
This post will discuss:
What is self-complexity?
Why anxious people pleasers are at risk for burnout.
Benefits of self-complexity.
Tips on how to avoid burnout: Developing self-complexity.
Limitations of self-complexity.
What is self-complexity?
Self-complexity refers to the idea that you are made up of multiple parts or identities in your life. For example, you don’t just define yourself as a working professional; you might also identify yourself as a friend, a parent, an athlete, a gardener, an animal lover, or an artist. Each of these roles is like a different “basket” that holds a part of who you are, which can aid in reducing or avoiding burnout.
Research based on work by psychologist Patricia Linville (1987) found that the more parts of yourself that you develop, the more complex your sense of self. In addition, the less these parts overlap, the less likely you are to feel stressed when one part is not doing well. These parts of your identity relate to each other, yet they can also exist independently. Each part can offer you different sources of self-worth and meaning, which lets you draw on them when one or two roles feel overwhelming. So, for example, if you experience significant work stress, you can turn to the other parts of yourself, such as your friendships and/or your athletic identity, to manage stress more effectively and rebound emotionally.
However, if someone only identifies with one or two roles (e.g., “I’m a parent,” “I’m an athlete” or “I’m a working professional”), that person might have low self-complexity. And, if something goes wrong in one of those areas, like losing what feels like a high-stakes game or being laid off from a dream job, it can feel like everything in this person’s life is falling apart.
Likewise, when an anxious people pleaser focuses on trying to make others happy and has not developed different parts of their identity from which to pull and lean on, this individual is more likely to feel burned out. Having different roles and identities can help to avoid burnout by balancing them out and protecting against the feeling of overwhelm.
Why anxious people pleasers are at risk for burnout
People-pleasers tend to lose sight of what truly matters to them, specifically what a fulfilling life looks like for them. Instead, a deep-seated need for validation and approval exist and this tendency can drive them to avoid conflict, frequently say “yes” to requests, and prioritize others’ needs at a high cost to their own wellbeing. While being there for others can initially seem like a helpful trait, having trouble saying “no” and setting and maintaining boundaries to keep others happy leads to feeling drained. This behavior ultimately leads to the opposite of reducing or avoiding burnout.
Anxiety is a major contributor to people-pleasing behavior. Many people-pleasers often experience underlying anxiety related to a fear of disappointing others or of being rejected, which leads to a compulsive urge to overextend themselves to meet unrealistic expectations. Engaging in this behavior usually results in emotional and physical exhaustion, along with an increased disconnection from their true selves. Unfortunately, this becomes a recipe for burnout.
In a world that values productivity, responsiveness, and self-sacrifice, anxious people-pleasers can find themselves being unable to keep up with work demands and get caught in a cycle of overwork and emotional exhaustion. Without developing a broader sense of self beyond their people-pleasing roles, burnout becomes inevitable.
Benefits of self-complexity
Self-complexity can help break this cycle of overwork and help to avoid burnout. When you have many different ways to define yourself, you’re not just relying on your ability to please others for your self-worth. You can pull from your other roles or identities to help you manage anxiety, which can reduce or help avoid burnout in the future. For example, you could remind yourself of the roles in your life that matter to you and that you’re not just a worker or a friend. You’re also someone who takes great pride in their work as an artist and a dog parent, which are hobbies, interests, and values that are independent of others' expectations. By recognizing these different roles and what matters most to you, you may find it easier to set boundaries and say "no" when you need to.
Tips on how to avoid burnout: Developing self-complexity
If you’re an anxious people-pleaser, developing more self-complexity can help to avoid burnout. Here are some tips to get started:
Identify what you would want your fulfilling life to look like. Ask yourself what matters to you and figure out why those things are important to you. For example, you might identify cultivating deep, quality relationships with your family and friends, treating yourself and others with respect and compassion, and taking care of your well-being as three things that matter to you. Then, work on aligning these values to specific behaviors and goals. How would need to behave toward yourself and others to align to your values and a richer life?
Recognize the different roles that make you – YOU. Think about all the ways you define yourself, like being a good friend, a triathlete, a writer, or a musician. Try to strengthen these different parts of yourself.
Learn to establish boundaries. Say “no” when something does not align with your values and/or gets in the way of the things that matter most to you. For example, practice resisting the urge to check and respond to work email over the weekend so that you can feel recharged and ready to tackle work during working hours, or practice declining requests that take time away from important family experiences during off hours. This will help you avoid burnout from overloading yourself, and it can give you time to spend on the things that matter to you.
Try new activities that fit within the categories of things that you find to be fulfilling. Explore hobbies or interests that allow you to be selfish, to explore and learn how to do something enjoyable because you want to, instead of caretaking or doing a favor for someone else. Giving yourself permission to engage in activities that bring joy and meaning to your life will help to avoid burnout in the future. These activities might include playing a sport, engaging in a creative project, exploring new restaurants in your area, or learning a new language or how to play an instrument.
Find your people. Surround yourself with friends and family who value you for who you are, not just what you do for them. These relationships will help you feel more balanced and supported.
Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes, to not have it together all the time, and to take breaks. Afterall, you are human, not a machine.
The limitations of self-complexity
Although research (Linville, 1987) suggests that self-complexity can protect against burnout, there are some caveats (Rafaeli-Mor & Sternberg, 2002; Ryan et al., 2005; Pilarska & Suchanska, 2015). It’s important to note that, while having multiple roles might help reduce stress, it isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for reducing or avoiding burnout.
There are several things to consider:
1. Not all self-complexity is the same.
Research has found that high self-complexity does not guarantee emotional wellbeing (Ryan et al., 2005; Rafaeli-Mor & Steinberg, 2002). Just because you have developed a complex sense of self does not mean those multiple roles will automatically help you to avoid burnout.
It was found that, for self-complexity to help protect against dysfunction and psychological distress, people must choose for themselves what roles matter to them and that they want to assume instead of being forced to take up roles that they were told to prioritize. Also, some people might feel overwhelmed by trying to maintain all their roles, especially if they don’t feel capable in them, thereby increasing the likelihood of burning out. For example, someone might experience imposter syndrome related to their job, feel anxious about meeting their athletic goals, and feel concerned about how well they are taking care of their family all at the same time. It’s not just juggling many roles. It’s about how well you can balance them.
2. Context plays a role.
In certain environments, like highly competitive workplaces, having many roles could increase stress, as people might try to do too much and neglect their personal needs, which could increase the likelihood of burnout. On the other hand, in a supportive community, having different roles can be empowering and provide a sense of belonging, which could ultimately help to avoid burnout.
3. Personality and psychopathology matter.
People who are more resilient might find self-complexity easier to manage. For someone with low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression, managing many roles might feel overwhelming (Ryan et al., 2005). So, while self-complexity can help for some, it might not work the same for others.
4. Burnout is multifactorial.
Burnout is caused by a combination of factors, such as high stress, lack of support, and feeling unappreciated. Self-complexity can help to avoid burnout, but it’s not a panacea. Other factors, such as applying effective coping strategies, having supportive relationships, establishing and maintaining boundaries, and learning how to manage stress, are also crucial in preventing burnout.
Conclusion
Self-complexity can be a powerful tool to help anxious people-pleasers avoid burnout. By developing different parts of yourself and learning to balance your roles, you can find more ways to live a rich life, cope with stress effectively, and avoid burnout. Remember, you have many roles that reflect the hobbies and interests that align with what matters most to you. By embracing all those parts of yourself, you can learn to avoid future burnout by protecting your energy, reducing anxiety, and living a healthier, more balanced life.
If the idea of self-complexity resonates with you, yet you are feeling overwhelmed about getting started, you’re not sure whether developing self-complexity would enhance your life, or you don’t know if or how this would fit into your life, don’t hesitate to reach out to request a free 15-minute consultation. I provide tailored treatment to help you overcome people pleasing at Chen Thrive Psychological Services.
References
Crocker, J., Luhtanen, R., Blaine, B., & Broadnax, S. (2003). The influence of self-worth on emotional well-being: A study of the role of self-esteem in the context of social relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(3), 555–577. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.3.555
Linville, P. W. (1987). Self-complexity and affective extremity: Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Social Cognition, 5(1), 83–102. https://doi.org/10.1521/soco.1987.5.1.83
Markus, H., & Kunda, Z. (1986). Stability and malleability of the self-concept. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 51(4), 858–866. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.51.4.858
Pilarska, A., & Suchanska, A. (2015). Self-complexity and self-concept differentiation – What have we been measuring for the past 30 years? Current Psychology, 34, 723–743. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-015-9333-6
Rafaeli-Mor, E., & Steinberg, J. (2002). Self-complexity and well-being: A review and research synthesis. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 6(1), 31–58. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0601_2
Ryan, R. M., LaGuardia, J. G., & Rawsthorne, L. J. (2005). Self-complexity and the authenticity of self-aspects: Effects on well-being and resilience to stressful events. North American Journal of Psychology, 7(3), 431–448. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.3.555
